“Social anxiety isn’t necessarily an illness, but a peculiar character type.”
Vincent Mars is a writer from Romania. In his articles, ‘Social Anxiety and What (Not) to Do About It’ and ‘The Benefits of Being an Introvert’, Vincent writes of his past experiences: how he hid from social anxiety, and the change in perception that instead allowed him to view it as a personal strength. This refreshing perspective interested me to know more, including how he came to that realisation, and any advice he would give to others who are experiencing the same.
How do you feel about the diagnosis or term ‘social anxiety’?
Social anxiety isn’t necessarily an illness, but a peculiar character type. When it’s so bad that it affects your relationship with other people, it should have a name. But the name itself can make it worse. Not all of us are as social as others. This itself isn’t the problem. Rather, the problem is when we try to do things that don’t fit our character, in order to fit the mould. If there are no physical symptoms other than anxiety, the best treatment may be a deeper understanding of yourself. I recommend Susan Cain’s The Power of Introverts.
How did you first understand that you were socially anxious?
As a little boy, I felt dread at having to leave the house. Even if it was only to the hairdresser or to my grandparents outside the city. Even if someone went with me. As I grew up, I shunned social events. I used to have many friends at school, but I didn’t like to go places and do things in groups. It all got worse as I grew older and began questioning my place in the world.
Were you ever formally diagnosed with, or treated for, social anxiety?
No. If someone would have taken me to a doctor when I was a kid, it would have probably done me good. But you don’t think in terms of social anxiety when you’re growing up. Now I feel that trying to do something about my social anxiety would mean to turn a peculiarity of mine into a problem. I am fortunate in that my social anxiety is mild, without unpleasant physical symptoms. Okay, maybe it is a problem on certain days, but on others it is only a protection. Dwelling on it too much can make it worse. We should do the things we can and feel we should do, and don’t do the others. Especially if our body tells us not to.
“You have to watch your ego. Grapple a bit with it, if you have to.”
Did those feelings of anxiety arise only within social situations, or did they follow you elsewhere?
When I am by myself, I feel at peace. It has always been like this. I was always happy to be alone. I would count the days left until school was over. I would spend weeks, months in the house. I enjoyed it. I didn’t want to be anywhere else. Looking back, that wasn’t healthy. Now as an adult, I am able to create new spaces of comfortable aloneness in nature and other places. It’s something that most of us can do as we grow up.
How did you come to realise that being introverted could actually be beneficial?
Once you realize you have to live with it, you start looking for ways to benefit from it. Books helped too — with them came the understanding that there is a whole world of sensible, shy, introverted people, and that they can live a good life, and even use their weaknesses and strengths to give something valuable to the world — a deeper awareness of life.
Was this something you realised entirely by yourself? Which tools did you have to help you?
Other introverted people I met along the way helped. Mostly people I met through books, but also lovers and friends. The only tools you really need are an open mind and the clarity not to feel sorry for yourself. You have to watch your ego. Grapple a bit with it, if you have to.
To what extent did this change in perspective alter your relationship with yourself and with others?
I am my own best friend. I like myself. There are many things I feel uneasy about about myself, but I can accept them. Now, I can also accept anyone, however difficult, strange, or flawed, without judgement and without trying to change them. I used to be very critical of others.
Why do you think there is so much pressure to be extroverted?
In Western society, achievement is seen as action, and often, as winning something or defeating someone, whether it’s bad odds or other players. It’s about fighting battles and winning them. The extrovert type fits the fighter mould far better than the introvert. But there’s another path in life, off the beaten track and through the woods, and even if it’s a lonely path at times, it’s an interesting one.
“…look not for a way out of your body, but for a deeper way in.”
Do you think there is a particular pressure on men to be extroverted?
It’s a pressure on both sexes. And quite often, it’s a pressure that we impose upon ourselves because of false notions of happiness or success. We think we need to be in a certain way to be successful or well liked. But many of the world’s successful people are actually introverts.
Is there anything you would want to change regarding your introversion?
I wouldn’t change my introversion, I’d change everything about myself, if I could. It would be wonderful for us all to be able to customize everything about our physical and mental make-up, and even choose our powers, like in some video games. But then we’re only human. It’s braver and wiser to accept things as they are and look not for a way out of your body, but for a deeper way in. We have a tendency to try to fix what we don’t understand. The problem is the tendency.
What advice would you give to someone who feels socially anxious?
Focus on the things you feel comfortable doing, not on the things you feel anxious about. Don’t look at social anxiety as an illness, but as a radar that tells you what to focus on. Your social anxiety can be a catalyst for good things and even fortunate relationships. It can provide the quiet aloneness that can help you become really good at what you do. It can also help you accept and feel more sympathy for others.
The one thing you shouldn’t do is look for easy ways out, whether it’s a pill, a blade, or just denial. Don’t let your idea about who you think you should be rob you of the simple joys of just being who you are.
What is your experience of social anxiety? Leave a comment below or send me a message.
repsychl 
Reblogged this on boy with a hat and commented:
Social anxiety problems? This may help.
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My sister was extremely shy. After working retail for twenty-five years, she’s more outgoing than me! Experiencing uncomfortable situations builds confidence. Pitching my book is the worst, so I’m signing up for more pitch sessions at conferences this fall. At some point, I’ll get the hang of it.
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Wow. I wonder if many others would benefit from doing the same thing your sister did. For some I think it would be the exact opposite of help – but just goes to show it’s different for everyone. I’m happy to hear she overcame her extreme shyness. Thanks so much for sharing!
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I’m very interested in this subject, as I myself am introverted and have also been diagnosed with social anxiety. However, I think it’s important to note that introversion and social anxiety are not the same. I feel that this post uses the terms interchangeably, when in fact they describe very different conditions. Or perhaps different degrees of a condition. Either way, we should be careful not to confuse them.
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Hi Walt, thank you so much for commenting. I agree there is an important distinction between social anxiety and introversion.
It is confusing as we are in fact talking about three different things: introversion (or shyness), social anxiety (something we all experience in varying degrees) and social anxiety disorder (a prolonged mental health problem). This should have been made more clear in the questions so that it was not slightly tangled in the answers, particularly where I say “diagnosis or term ‘social anxiety'”.
On the other hand, I think there is room for interesting discussion here as these are each experienced subjectively; for instance, Vincent’s interpretation of his social anxiety has changed over time – viewed/experienced at one stage as a problem and now as a “peculiar personality type”. In my opinion, it really is up to the individual experiencing it, and whether they regard it as a problem. I’d be interested to know what you think.
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Good distinction you’ve made there. I would say we’re all free souls to be ourselves, and to be something more, less, or the same as what we are at present. To work within our limits, or to shrug off working within them, or to strive to improve beyond them. A social anxiety disorder can be seen as something that is normal, limiting, special, or unique, as something that one is willing to live with as a quirk, trait, or problem, or it can be seen as something that is limiting and unpleasant at times. In my case, I find it limiting and unpleasant. Also, as I consider the past objectively, I see examples of how my behavior has contributed to awkward or uncomfortable situations for others. It seems to me to be a good idea to try to push myself to improve, so I can feel more comfortable around others and they can feel more comfortable around me. Everybody wins. And I still get to be an introvert who prefers to recharge in solitude. Which to me is much simpler and more healthy than dreading social situations, and having my circuits overload during and after them.
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You are brave for sharing your experience, and caring of others as well. Many will learn and benefit from your experience, and know they are not alone in their struggle.
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I also like to be on my own. As I child I didn’t understand it and was exhausted after being forced to be in a group like a summer camp. After having retired I enjoy writing blogs and reading at lot. This gives me inspiration to share what I read/write and think with people in real time.
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It must’ve been quite confusing to go through that as a child. I’d be really interested to know how you overcame it or understood it better. I’m glad it inspires you to write more 🙂 thanks for commenting
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Thank you so much for your comment. I thought I had written about it but as I have a blog in Danish too I sometimes mix the two. I wrote one there on the effects of being born too early and sheltered too much and afraid of sleeping over anywhere else than at home. I will try to find some relevant post on it or write a new one and tag you here.
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By the way did you know that your interview inspired me to write a post published yesterday, that focus on your interview with Vincent?
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I did not! I’ll have a read 🙂
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Oh how i needed to read this. I feel shy and uncomfortable with people. I feel disconnected in social events. I try always to find an excuse not to attend. Sometime I feel that I might have miss ed something…a beautiful encounter, a sublime conversation. That happened to me not long ago. meeting someone that I would have loved to know better , without compromise, without expectation,just a beautiful long and deep conversation. My shyness got in the way. These privileged moments seldom occur and might never be repeated. How sad to be shy. Thank you Vincent for this great post. Feel I am not alone. May your life be full of continuous inspiration and beautiful encounters. You are a great philosopher. I love your writing..
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I’m sorry to hear you feel that way. There is a lot of pressure to be confident and extroverted, which ironically can make it a lot harder to feel comfortable and be ourselves. But when we shy away, it can make us feel like we’ve missed out. While it may be a shame to have missed out on some good times, it would be a far greater shame to pretend to be who you are not. Looking inwards to understand yourself is the best advice I can give. Thank you for commenting, it makes me so happy that Vincent could help and inspire you as he did me 🙂
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Thank you so much
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Excellent job
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Thanks Zaira 🙂
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Hi repsychl. I am introvert though can socialise. Spend a lot of time in a café dinking coffee observing and writing! Nothing wrong with that! Thank you for wanting to follow my poetry adventures. Great to meet you. Like all things Paranormal! UFO’s! Observing this crazy society! Conspiracy theories/facts! Writing is my passion that keeps me sane and alive! Just take one day at a time. Peace and Best Wishes.# TheFoureyedPoet.
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“Rather, the problem is when we try to do things that don’t fit our character, in order to fit the mould.”
Yes, yes and yes. An incredible read, thank you so much for sharing!
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I love this article. I work with middle school kids who have learning disabilities. Sometimes it’s not so much a learning disability but social anxiety.
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Reblogged this on yarn and pencil and commented:
This is wonderful as it offers an alternative. I’ve always been in the rigid thought patterns of needing to change my character. Basically I fight who I really am…
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I really find this correlation with introversion and social anxiety unhelpful. There are countless people who are ‘high functioning’, employed, in relationships etc. that experience crippling levels of anxiety on a daily basis. Introversion is the ‘trait’, social anxiety is not a personality trait. It’s absolutely crippling.
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I appreciate your thoughts and criticisms because I believe this to be a subjective issue that benefits from the telling of different perspectives and experiences, hence why I aim to gather them through interviews. In my opinion, social anxiety occurs on a spectrum and varies within and across each individual.
I agree, introversion and social anxiety are certainly not the same thing, and as I mentioned in an earlier comment: It is confusing as we are in fact talking about three different things: introversion (or shyness), social anxiety (something we all experience in varying degrees) and social anxiety disorder (a prolonged mental health problem). This should have been made more clear in the questions so that it was not slightly tangled in the answers, particularly where I say “diagnosis or term ‘social anxiety’”. I hope this clears things up. Thank you for commenting.
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Thank you for your reply. Oh I absolutely agree with you that social anxiety is on a spectrum, rather than a neat little box that the DSM would like to put us in and it’s great that you are reaching out to people with these experiences. My comment was certainly not intended to diminish your experience and I was initially drawn to the term ‘peculiar character type’. It just made me think of people with mental health problems, not limited to social anxiety per se, who are perceived to be a bit ‘eccentric’ or ‘quirky’ and how this can often be unhelpful but thank you for taking the time to clarify. All the best.
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